So I’m 19 years old and I think both my parents are in the first category my dad used to be really abusive , he would beat my mom and if we said anything he would also beat me and my brother but when I was about 10 we left and move to a different city the abuse stopped but then my mom left to, not Physically but more emotionally and I had to take care of me and my 3 brothers at a really young age. I just can’t believe they haven’t reached out at all. Dear Mark, you have described the exact definition of “Well-Meaning but Neglected Themselves” parents. My dad is a strict person, he jokes around but he gets angry really fast so i have never shared whats in my heart with him. Material things, sure. My father has washed his hands from my family and is also present during occasions while my mother has broken everything in my house due to her anger. I helped her raise his kids while he only gave us money. Even cry if you need to, just know that you are NOT alone. I tried to speak about it to my mother once and I was thrown out of the house for merely thinking about it. You’re so right, it’s the inability to recognise me as another person. I don’t want to need them or want them, but desperately I ache for the unconditional love and wisdom they cannot give. If you have parents who fall into one of these categories, then you are faced with a situation that is even more complex than those above. But the other emotions are more jumbled than they ever were; especially the ones towards the people who were supposed to love me and care for me and keep me safe and protected… and I’ve always idolized him until coming to terms with this. I think that I turned out well despite my parents, not because of them. I just want to be myself and enjoy my life, not struggle to please them any longer. My dad and my mom or any of my siblings , none of them have ever hugged me in my entire life so why u people think i will normally be the most social person. especially this lockdown time, she didn’t even let me go to school once it opened as that is my only help. The neglect. It’s healthy and a requirement. He keeps files on people and my mother really just runs after him. My mother would only bond with the my eldest sister. They also don’t know that I get those achievements at the expense of my time for friends, entertainment and social life. It’s important to keep in mind that it is not at all necessary to include your parents in your recovery from CEN. I can’t reason with irrational people, but I want a mom and dad. I am lucky to be married to a really nice person who sees them for what they are. I have read your book, it’s been very helpful. Your sentence about your parent not seeing you more than when you were a child was so impactful to me. Will they likely say something abusive? but I don’t know if I’ll even be able to look him in the eyes after realizing the damage both my parents have done to me by filling me with this self doubt…… I feel like I stepped into a different atmosphere where nothing makes sense and my heart hurts . I’m not even jealous that my father sign his name on my other sisters trailer, or that he gave grandpas tractor to my bro in law, that he paid for new decking around my brothers pool, bought new and paid off my eldest sisters car, also pays for her apartment every month, or that they pay for my mothers moms car and lights and car insurance.. there’s more but trying to paint the picture. You, your children and your spouse come first. Beginning in high school, I decided to make a change and start putting in my best effort in school. My mother was treated terribly by her parents and my father treated unfortunately like the king. Mom 10 years ago. I stayed single until I was ready. My mom started focusing on her job and she would never pay attention to any of us and then my parents split again but this time it was my mother’s fault cause she cheated on my dad and honestly I feel that I hate her so much and I been thinking of telling her how I feel but she never listens to me , she says that a daughter has no right to judge They may be family, but just because … It’s just like I’m a conformer child of narc parents. Seems like everytime I have an event they seem to just ruin it for me. As an adult, you can identify what you didn’t get, and you can give it to yourself. Anyway, any tips would be great but thanks for this great article! To them good parenting was discipline and projecting themselves onto their children. I don’t know why I chose that family to be born into . This is pretty typical of how it’s always been if they don’t like something I’ve done. And if she does not, I can “see” myself by seeking out and surrounding myself with people that want to know about me and want to grow with me. I am very sorry for what they have caused to your bother. I remember when they actually started to ask me how I was feeling and being emotionally supportive when I was around 14, it freaked me out because they just felt like strangers, and it was hard connecting with them. I know my parents love me and they are trying to provide me with the best life they can but they are so controlling. I would remain confused, realizing I did something wrong, but not understanding what made me do it. Sometimes a talk that goes badly leads to a better outcome in the end, even though is very painful and hard. Dream on. I’ve started playing Dad Bingo – every conversation has to include a) a reference to the top university he went to b) how awful the place I live is (it’s really not – he mocks it for being posh) c) some baiting where he asks my opinion d) a passive aggressive way of calling me a name but he does it in a way where he says people ‘like me’ are called this e) what work have I achieved recently so he can tell his friends. My parents live a couple thousand miles away, so I don’t see them very often. She grew up to be a great well-functioning being fortunately and now she became a young adult. Being the oldest and being 15, i had to mature from a very young age when my father had to be forced out of my family because of his abuse due to his depression and anger management problems, he is now in a (i think) mental institution and is getting the help he deserves, although my mother doesn’t know i know where he might be, as they try to keep it a secret. I hope you’ll work on it now that you’re an adult. However, the root cause of this problem still exists – my parents can’t stop treating us differently (even in daily texts in our family chat, my mom would always ask about my sister’s daily life, her meals, her activities everyday while she does so to me maybe once a week). my dad has anger spasms and yells stuff at me that i hope he doesnt mean. So after work at 1am leaving the parking lot I was pulled over. Being the second mother i am supposed to be happy all the time, and not hang out with my friends as much without taking my younger sister (10 yrs old) with me, being said i have no sense of being a child. It’s been just over 3 weeks. I have been in and out of low paid jobs, drank excessively in stages of my life which did a lot of damage to my self worth and my health which was never discussed in the home. But generally, it can be extremely healing when adult child and parents are able to come to a mutual understanding of how an emotional failure happened and why, and how it affected everyone involved. My mom was out of the country in Africa with my youngest brother at the time. She started talking about lovey dovey people & I asked who she meant & she said me!! I’m not the reason why I’m messed up or why I have a hard time being myself. Dear Claire, you are wise to grieve for the father you never had. My father ignored all this or pretended it didn’t happen and spent most of his time working, traveling, or working on his projects. If you don’t feel much of a connection with your parents, you may be uncomfortable bringing up a serious issue. When I’d have convos with my mom or if I was in a bind or homeless because I recently left a relationship, she would tell me that I need to learn from this. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Last report card, I got a C in math. If any of these are likely, I suggest that you put your energy toward healing yourself, and leave your parents out of it. Both are WMBNT and could not process that they were anything but perfect parents that did everything for their kids. which makes my blood boil. They should have thought in advance how their miserable conduct towards their kids would effect their children’s ability and willingness to take care of them and comfort them in their old age. Up to this date, I can never be at peace when I sit with my parents. But I love my Mum with all my heart, I know she never means wrong and always will do anything for me! While my mother has not yet been able to “see” me, I am hopeful that the openness and forgiveness I possess for the shortcomings of ALL people can one day inspire her to accept her own shortcomings. but I don’t think he ever realized how damaging it was to hear I was stupid or I should have been aborted when making mistakes that legit HUMANS MAKE……. I would many times numb my emotions, my sensitivity to appear fine and robust. it’s honestly tiring and frustrating. To me it was a means of survival . Growing up I did my upmost best to understand my parents, to see them and how they feel so not to put blame or anger on them while at the same time placing my own feelings way back and stuffed down until they became almost void and never felt. Totally ignored it. Every-time i see someone dad dancing with them or hugging them or helping there daughter with homework it breaks my heart, I get a sudden meltdown, i think why cant my dad do that for me and i say this one sentence “I Want To Do Home” Now i don’t know what this sentence means but i say it every-time i get a panic attack which is at least one a week. Dear Dan, of course this must be a struggle for you when you see your parents. I hope you will do your best to turn your attention away from your parents’ choices and focus instead on something far more deserving: you. I just want my feelings to stop being no one acknowledges them like i want them to, and i don’t want to ask them because its such a childish thing to do, i feel like a lost cause in my own house, i feel so out of place everywhere i go, i can’t escape myself, and i don’t know how to tell my mother about it. Dear Belinda, this is beyond neglect, it is abuse. For 24 years of my life, I have been neglected by my parents. Your path to healing is unique to you. Please ask your dr. for a referral to a licensed therapist for help and support. Dear KP, above all it is very important to protect yourself from being mistreated by your family whether your husband understands or not. Our situations are different but I definitely know how it feels to need to find yourself, I’m STILL in the same boat. i think most parents love and want to raise productive responsible children and do the best they can with what they have. I want to do something for my dreams but I feel like I always need a caring person to support me because my strength had been drained up for suffering my parents alone those years. I’m having a hard time finding compassion for her or to come from a loving place because all I Personally, I am now an adult woman. What I don’t understand is why am and was always excluded?? However, what you don’t want is to create the negativity into the irrational decision that doesn’t amount to anything. If at all possible, have this conversation in person. That’s so awesome, Tee. Subject: Feeling like my parents don't care about my marriage. The quiz below will help you test how correct the answer you gave is. Tactics like this never ended from age 12 to age 24. he would have inappropriate conversations with me and i would beg my mom to tell him to please stop. and I wasn’t allowed access to the internet either. I am some major impatience with my mom because it’s so ridiculous that she shouldn’t celebrate this, but instead she sees it as a flaw, or perhaps a threat? I understand, Joe. My parents (more specifically, my mom) have always been a point of contention in our relationship. He just kept shouting and shouting the same things, until I realized, my opinion didn't matter. Can you take your husband to see a therapist with you? We are all human. This is real, and what you are feeling is real. by Pavore9 : 7:51am On Aug 26 , 2018 When parents disconnects from their children emotionally, it negatively affects the child unless there is an intervention. they will make me feel like the guilty one. Any suggestions. Hi Jonice, thank you so much for offering some guidance in this very difficult topic. My Parents have done a-lot for me, they have provided me with shelter, food and a lavish lifestyle. Dear Sick of It, That explains why I’m so flawed, my mom had me living in fear and being appreciative when I would get something (everything) 28 years old now, I’ve made attempts to move out and show her that I can be the ONE to bring her glory and pride, only kid from a mistake relationship. “Reaching out to others for support is important. Now my mission is to make peace with my future, my husband, who hasn’t been able to decipher my emotions from those of an alien I’m sure, but also to do my job as a parent who can keep the emotional points and passages clear for my children and theirs, stopping occasionally to make sure there is no debris I’ve left behind from years past. When I got married, after my pops told me he would walk me down the aisle, he sat between my bro and my brother in law and didn’t. I think that book could be enlightening. Look up at the sky for me. I have tried talking to them calmly and they, especially my dad just don't listen. There is nobody anwhere that you are obligated to love, because love is a feeling you have or do not have, not something you do. If you were raised by parents who were not tuned in enough to your emotional needs, you have probably experienced the results of this parental failure over and over throughout the years and into your adulthood. What do u think it means? I really remember growing up afraid of how bad her temper was. Please find a therapist on the CEN Therapist list and go see them. But it’s random-sometimes it’s super sweet over the top shows of affection then…bam! As my dad is getting sicker and more in need of care i can feel my self pulling away from him, and getting more and more angry with him. Because I care, and I’m thinking about you. That made the bond with my sister very weak although as we are both getting old, it seems to be recovering on its own. At least they’ve brought me up to this point, they provide me food, bed and a bit of money for me to spend. You showed great courage by talking with your parents. Thank you so much for writing this. Feeling Orphaned: What To Do When Parents Dont Meet Your Emotional Needs The societal belief is that children and parents should accept … One parent completely tore me apart on the phone. The problem is that they are good at putting on an act for other people. Please see the book Running On Empty No More for lots of helpful information in how to cope with your relationships with your parents now. To this day I don’t think I have ever had a conversation with my mum that is about “my feelings”. One of the most frequent questions that I am asked by people who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect is, “Should I talk to my parents about CEN?”. My brother, the golden child (read, more straightforward and who’s realised for an easy life just keep everything in ) lives nearby but I (black sheep) have moved away. I cant sleep at night when my dad comes so close to my place (at my sisters place), which is literally few stop signs from my place and he just goes back home, without calling me. My younger sister was deadly sick when she was very little so my parents are naturally more worried and caring about her because of this past. They’ve had my number in the past and never called. He was the only one ,that ever did besides my parents although I don’t believe that it was on purpose, especially when it came to my parents! From reading, I can truly believe that my Mum is WMBNT and the struggles with this are so difficult. He tells me he loves me, but to me he’s just saying fake words. Not just 1 of them but both parents and step parents, and Suppose they continue the games and tactics of manipulation, toying with emotions and intentionally not caring? My mom is not as bad as my dad. I suggest you talk all of this over with a therapist. Since the start of the year I have been on this fairly strong sense of “knowledge equals power” path and have listened to several enlightening books that have each helped me as well as inform me of many unknowns I had before. In late elementary/middle school I was severely bullied. Relationships are about meeting the other. They don’t mean it but whenever I spend time with them I feel miserable. It’s very important to accept both as your truths and face them head-on. I’ve never been close to my dad. One problem: My parents are dead. Will they blow up in anger? Always. my parents fit in the last 2 catagories. Isn’t this hypocritical. I love my brothers and know that they are innocent in all of this. I last spoke to her 3 days ago & she sarcastically brought up how ‘I loved my children?’ How do you deal with others not understanding your relationship with your parents? Give it a try! It’s for PTSD but can also work for childhood trauma that played out over a long time. At 19, it will be very important to raise yourself in a loving and attentive way. Yet, equally, there has to be validation and awareness on where, why I have stilted my own feelings in order to stay in tune with them so they do not get angry with me, this stems back from remembering the anger shown when I got upset as a child and has stayed with me. They don’t understand the internal conflict that is going on inside. I said to my mom today “do you hate me or something?” and all she said was “get your emotional but out of here” and my dad told be shes mad because I wouldn’t shut up. I am really struggling with it though, but this article taught me I’m not alone. He won’t leave the house and he barely talks to me anymore but my parents blame me for not doing enough to help him. I think him living at home makes his situation worse. my parents are 69,mom and 73, dad…my mother has had neurological issues for the past 20+ yrs from a braintumor that was removed, it was not cancer but it was so large that it did a … Protect yourself. I know what you mean about feeling like you’re marked in some way, like everyone can tell that no one really cares about you, and it does seem to draw others to you who are abusive. I went to counselling for two years but unfortunately childhood neglect is not fully talked about in many counselling sectors, and where the counselor did not recognise CEN and I ended up feeling unheard and so left it. Including giving her marital advice when I was way too young to do so. Also it is vital that you be strong enough to not be emotionally damaged by their words or reactions. Here are nine subtle signs that your parents don't respect you enough. But see I can heal from the things that he did to me because he was only able to do that because of my mother. Wasn’t the expectations I had in mind. Now, I am slowly beginning to feel my feelings, my emotions, though has been challenging while living with family, almost like playing many roles of yourself, trying to find a safe space to feel, and not truly knowing which is your truest self. This revelation is life-changing and eye-opening, and I’m breathing much differently. CEN parents can have a very hard time seeing it in their own parenting which is why it’s so very important to remove all blame from the picture. And you are not alone! She has started to do her weekly shop again & so the other day when I called her, I realised just how nasty can she be to me. But at this moment in time i’m feeling more hatred than love. When I would stand up for myself because my mother never did, he would do petty things like change the wifi password so I would have to call him in which he would laugh over the phone, state that things have passwords for a reason and say he’ll deal with it when he gets home. Im pretty sure because of thesis insecurities i look in the mirror all the time, i cant even smile without thinking that i look bad, and i have lost all my friendships due to me being insecure. I am 45 yrs old and not long ago have learned for myself I am an empath, and have high sensitivity towards others, places, environments, something I burried deep growing up and denied in order to please and not upset anyone. However, sharing the concept of CEN with them can be helpful in some families, and may be a way for you to improve your relationship with them. But they never care about my feelings. This past Christmas was the first I endured in a long time. Dear jonice this article was very informative. As I didn’t have any to talk to, was lonely and my brothers were physically abusive…(my dad would punish them if they did, and my mom just told me to fight back and not be weak. I want to commend you for providing guidance and I want to praise those who have shared their struggles in the comments. We had to get on our knees and read out the bible loud, were isolated from everyone except school and controlled horribly. Unfortunately my parents were bought up in a time when the view of the child was quite different. It is very important to anticipate this and prevent it. This I realise now is unhealthy, and where I see how stages in my life has been affected by not being able to speak how I feel. I have a similar emotionally abusive mother and the only way I have found to deal with her is to move very far away from her. Parents are their child’s, first love. Needless to say my hard work paid off and I maintained a 3.9 GPA in high school and earned mostly A’s. My younger brother still lives at home at 22 years old and has many mental/emotional issues. I sent them an email saying I love them and I would like to have a healthy relationship one day, but that they would need to do their part to become healthy first. We are suppose to be grown, independent, yet for many who have gone through CEN, also for those who are highly sensitive, being independent was never encouraged enough, for you were seen as a child, over sensitive and somewhere growing up, I missed out on the middle part of adolescent where we majure from child to adult. Choose your moment wisely, with few distractions, when you parents are in a calm mood. Never, ever, have I ever spoken to them about my feelings. A lot of me figuring out my childhood did not start until my mid 30s when I had children on my own. He did this to himself, he showed me and my siblings no love, and now he needs caring for. They would yell at me for being lazy and just wanting to stay at home and would force me to call and hangout with people that bullied me. I was not encouraged to talk about my hopes, dreams and aspirations. . I have tried to be a good daughter. But I saw a notification on my phone pop up and it was what you wrote. I was always “peaceful” she told me… but now I know I taught myself to be. That’s not over exaggerating. I just feel like I’m lost. Growing up, I was frequently beaten. So after that my mom and my dad “fixed their problems “ (not really tough) and started living together again so we were living in a very toxic environment again and things went down I have cut ties with one, whom it was getting really severe with. I was a very shy and sensitive boy and I don’t think they knew how to talk about my feelings. It’s important and it’s hopeful though! Will they twist around what you are saying, and use it against you somehow? I don’t know why, but I felt compelled to tell you that despite not knowing anything about you other than what you wrote in your comment. It can be particularly hard as I also have severe anxiety which is not understood by her at all! ive been bullied for years, and when my dad calls me names and yells it hurts me more and makes me more insecure. They were tied into my water line, pipes froze and busted, water bill was 800$ and they were out of water for 6 whole days before I heard word through my brother. My sister the golden child lives next to my parents on the same block. I totally forgot how to speak Italian, so talking to my dad whenever I visit him in Italy is humiliating using google voice. My therapist suggests I try to explain there is nothing threatening about it, but I don’t think she will be able to look past her own self and her needs to see mine. Between therapy sessions I often need to remind myself that the way my parents treat me is not my fault, or my responsibility to fix and it’s actually a real issue in the world, not just a burden on me. Which has definitely rubbed off on me and I am very closed off emotionally to her due to the worry of the response I will receive. I've seen parents who care a lot about their child's feelings but there's also a lot that dont...did your parents care about your feelings? : Good people DO CARE. Most parents I speak to in my work don't feel they receive enough appreciation and don't feel truly seen and heard in their challenges. Now I’m mad. I have no cousins that r my age. I tried to talk with them a few weeks back about how I didn’t feel comfortable attending an upcoming event and why-trying to share honestly. You do not need to protect your parents from the knowledge that they failed you. I don’t know how much of this behaviour is who she really is & how much is rooted in how she grew up, trauma (I suspect it’s a combination of the three). Dear Mohamed, you are being abused and, by the sound of it, have been for your whole life. I’m 19 and I want someone to help. It has lots of good information and support on how to deal with this. They were 5 years older and I was a 5-6 year old girl at the time) once I’ve told them that I didn’t see them as parents and just as older people that I live with. You will need help and support navigating this process of realizing your experiences and pain. i felt nothing when they died except for some relief when my dad died because i would no longer have to hide my lack of religous belief from him. They told me that when they were younger, their parent was never involved in their life emotionally as they had to work at a young age to support their family, and thus didn’t feel the need to engage im conversations with me(I had nothing to do for days, stayed at home and no one to talk to at all(holidays for ex.) Any person can look back over their past and find fault with something their parents did (maybe too strict, not strict enough, etc), that’s just life. I’m finally accepting I’m not going to play their game anymore – I can’t expect anything from them. Honestly, I dont know why she did that until today but it has always left a void in my heart. She would say things like “I wish I had an abortion,” make me get on all fours and grovel if I did something “bad,” and slap me across my face. Please tell anyone with what is going on at home, you will tank yourself later in life. I’m overwhelmed with a sense of relief to find that I’m not the only one to have experienced everything you said here. with 11 kids, i don’t remember my dad ever taking a vacation and, needless to say, my moms life was an endless treadmill of making meals, washing, ironing (ironing was a thing back then), laundry, putting kids to bed, getting kids up and off to school, etc., etc., etc. My dad has put me over his knee and spanked me with almost full force 16 times in a row, and I just turned 13. She would later decide to move us (me and my mom) to the States, she swore I would bring her wealth when I got older. A trained therapist will be able to understand and validate your pain and can help your husband understand. Re: My Parents Don’t Care About My Feelings. I’m sad that I won’t be able to get her to understand and see me for who I am now. It’s such a good thing that you are living further away, but living on their money is a toughie. They’re both East Asian. Basically, people I try to talk to would either ignore or hurt me. Other than that, I haven’t heard a word from them addressing it at all. My mum commited suicide when i were 16…i’m now 44. Why is she so nasty? Have you read my second book, Running On Empty No More? Since young, because of my weak sister, my mom was always putting more attention and focus on her. Yelled, belittled, said outright that they didn’t believe me, and told me I was a hypocrite for not forgiving. Even if that's true, I really hope they don't blame themselves for my struggles, because if anything, they have helped me a lot." 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